Brielle

"When the new sites grow old and I start to feel cold, I'll sail home again."

As usual, I have nothing much to say.

I'm just satisfied with myself and with Jay.

can't say much else.

~marina

So it's been a while...
School's almost over...
And best of all, I think I've truly found my other half.

~Marina

Home

"Home, Let me come home
Home is whenever I'm with you
Home, yes I am home
Home is wherever I'm with you"
-"Home" - Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros

I don't know why, but screenplay writing makes me hungry.
Good think I'm not planning on being a screenwriter, eh?

So Mom's surgery was today. It went well, and she's staying the night at the hospital.
Everyone is making their way there to keep her company.
Except me, because I've got homework.
I spent my open periods at the hospital though.
Keeping Dad company and waiting to hear about the surgery.
Now it's just a matter of time before we know if it works or not.

Prom's this weekend. I'm really excited to go with Jake. superfreakinawesome.
Senior prom, last one I'll ever go to. Better make it good!

Right now I really should be writing so I can go to bed at a decent hour.
You know how much I love sleeping.
But I figured that it'd been a while since I blogged, so it was worth the time.
Cookie's keeping me company. I think my tea's ready.
Rock on.

I'm ridiculously excited for college. I don't know where I'm going to start, regarding classes. I want to really focus on psychology, German, and music.
Professor Richardson, the German prof at Linfield, emailed me yesterday, with information about the various extracurricular activities related to the subject. There's a total-immersion German trip early next month, that I may be able to attend.
No English allowed, which will give me trouble because I'm only in German 1.
On the bright side, I know how to say "I don't know," "I don't understand," "I don't speak German," and "may I use the bathroom?"
(for you non-Deutsch people, it would be "ich weiss nicht," "ich verstehe nicht," "ich spreche keine Deutsch," and "darf ich aufs Klo?")

What I'm really excited for is the dorms.
Kelly and Jill, my hosts for the visitation night, informed me that every night in a dorm can be like a slumber party. Everybody on a floor knows everybody else, and you can get anything you might need from them, from advice to food.
It'll be a nice change from living here at home.
And thankfully, it'll be a short bike ride away from home too.
I want to see what it's like to live partially on my own.

Well, I really do need to finish this screenplay. So until later, peace out.

~Marina

(oh, and facebook people, if you want to read these posts at my ACTUAL blog, the address is mimimorgenstern.blogspot.com)

One and Only

To be despised, 
To be loved, 
To be dreamt of, 
To be sought, 
I'm the inside of "I don't care", 
Be my unholy, 
My one and my lonely.
- "One and Only" - Timbaland ft. Fall Out Boy

so I suppose it's high time I just talked about the simple stuff.

Senior year is drawing to a close. I'm going to miss it but I'm ready to move on.

I'm currently in the process of quitting smoking. It's tougher than I want it to be, but as a result I'm chewing gum as often as possible. Dunno why it works, but it does. (side note- 5 React and Zing are both delicious)

I meant to stay home today and clean, or put music on my iPod (my Classic crashed last week, so I'm back to the eight gig Touch. Space is so limited =\) but instead, I hopped on my bike and rode downtown to meet up with Becky, and ended up riding all over town.

I believe the route was home to third street, to Lafayette avenue, over to the high school, through the parking lot, to Evans, to Baker Creek Road, to Hill road, up the huge hill on 2nd, over to Mt. Mazama, to sweetmilks, through the greenway park, through discovery park, down Alexandria street, back to hill road, to peavine, back home.

For those of you who know Mac, you know how much biking that is.

It was tiring, but when I got home, I felt awesome.

Anyways, I really do have to clean and get ready for a three day week.

Peace.

~Marina

Complications

No lyrics for today, "Complications" is a Deadmau5 song.
Astronomically good, but not lyrical.

So instead, I've got to talk my way out of this rut instead of letting music be my facade.

The good news:
no more community service
one of my former enemies is becoming my friend (I think)
and the other got what she deserved, and I'm going to point and laugh.
I'm graduating soon, and I'll be eighteen sooner
My life is not so hellish anymore
AND I got accepted to Linfield.

The bad news:
well, I don't want to actually think about the bad news as "bad" news, it's just temporary shit that's making me suffer for the moment.

This too, shall pass.

Besides, I don't have the time to dwell on minor little setbacks.
Because if I do, I won't have time for life.

Whew. Now that that's over and done with for now...

It's spring break, and the most I've done is community service. Which is all right, I suppose, the weather wasn't horrendous.

But I need to get out of here and do something.
Not sure what yet.

~Marina

Closer to the Sun

"All I really needed was a friend like you
Help me through and together we can change, but
If I was to stay it wasn't for too long
People sing the same song everywhere I'm going
Closer to the sun and far from the moon
People screaming out they gonna see me real soon, they say ooh, ooh."
-"Closer to the Sun" - Slightly Stoopid

Community service yesterday.
Stacking wood.

Sucked, but it beats raking leaves.
Halfway done with it anyhow.

So I seem to have found myself in a predicament...
I loaned my iPod to a friend, but I don't know if I'm going to get it back in working condition, or even if I'm going to get it back at all.
But it's cool, because if anything happens to it, I'll demand to be paid back.
I could use $250 dollars.
Haha.

Instead of listening to my iPod this weekend, I've rediscovered radio, CDs, and LPs.
But not cassette tapes.
They're notoriously unreliable...
and I don't own any.

I'm also (supposedly!) getting a cat today, as a gift from my sister.
As a gift from her friend.
Having never had a legit pet of my own, I'm rather excited.
She needs a new name though, because our cat's name is Mamma, and the new cat's name is Momma.
I forsee problems with this situation.

So, name ideas please?
All I know about her is that she's grey and fluffy.
^_^

I need to earn ten bucks in the next few days...

But I'm so excited... It's nearly spring, and therefore summer is just around the corner!
So is graduation!
So is the OCF!
So is my birthday!

So many reasons to be in a stellar mood today.

~Marina

Don't Cry Out

"Ten, nine, eight, and I'm breaking away
I'm all dressed up and I'm ready to play
Seven, six, five, four, and I'm over you
Counting three, two, one, and I'm having fun."
"Don't Cry Out" - Shiny Toy Guns

So I do believe this has become my situationally correct song.

Thanks to Jessica for recommending it!

Band festival today.
We did fairly well.
A lot better than last week.

Making reparations, making changes, making plans, and looking towards the future.
There's the majority of my day.

A day tomorrow, super easy.

I love my life.

~Marina

Fold Your Hands, Child

Ocean Bowl?
Yes.

9th out of 20?
Mmhmm.

Otherwise uneventful weekend?
You know it.

Once again, jumping into a random blog post with no real ideas.
Thankfullly there's not much to say.
No big flareups. No big amazing moments. No epiphanies.

I kind of like it this way for now, it's a nice break from the total chaos of the last month.

Side note, Mrs. Kramer has piqued my interest in the OCF.
Guess I've got to plan some costumes!

-Marina

"And every day is the right day."
-Pink Floyd, "Fearless"

Summertime Clothes

So, blog, I thought it was about time you got a makeover!
And since a lot of stuff has changed in my life
I figured you should change too.

And now I'm posting on Facebook too.
Gonna get back into the blogging mood.

Despite my totally awful mood earlier, I've definitely improved.
Talking to Jessica definitely helped.

Here's the rundown for the past month or so, straightforward as I can make it.

First off, it appears that I'm single, officially, for the first time in more than a year.
sure, it's a bit sad.
But overall I guess this way's the easiest.
Now I realize that I've basically been deprived of affection for that same amount of time, and that's sad.
I'll solve that somehow, someday.
Not a big priority.

"Ob-la-di, ob-la-da
Life goes on, bro."
-The Beatles

Second, after the hearing was over and done with, I got my sentence.
namely four days of community service.
Day numero uno was yesterday.
It wasn't THAT bad...
Just tedious and more yard work than I do in a month.
Six hours of leaf raking and carrying more weight than I'm capable of.
After that was over I meandered over to Cornerstone to wait for my ride
that never showed up,
so I walked home.
Which wasn't so bad either.
The sun was out, and I walked through the linear park, which is always fun.

This morning, I woke up, tried to roll over,
and fought back tears
because my whole torso aches, as well as my legs
and my arms
and my neck
and my feet
and everything in between.

Now I know I complain about being sore a lot
But really, I don't mind it so much.
The aching makes me feel like I've done something productive.
Which I have.

I'm looking forward to this summer so much it's not even funny.
The long days, the glaringly bright solar energy
hanging out in parks, biking around town,
trying to find something to do and finding nothing
and being okay with that.
loud music, short shorts and tank tops
making memories
running for ten-twelve hours on nothing but fruit and water.
LIVING, man.
That's the kind of therapy I need.
That's the life I miss.

Three more months of school and it'll be a reality.

I've been online for seven hours, I think I'll go find something productive to do now...
Like my laundry...

Peace.

~Marina

Crystal Castles

So I'm going to try not to quote a song today, because quoting songs is my way of not having to actually say anything to explain what I'm going through.

Anyhow.

I really shouldn't be sitting here blogging right now because...
A) I need to write ten pages of screenplay for tomorrow
B) I need to write two essays
C) I need to clean my room and do my laundry
D) I really need to get a life.

Yup.

So I did one of four community service days yesterday and today, I hurt everywhere. To the point of not being able to walk correctly. Three to go.

I'm going to try to finish Transitions this week because I want my open seventh back.

There's a band festival on Tuesday, and another one next Tuesday.

I need a vacation.

~Marina

What A Catch, Donnie.

"I got troubled thoughts
And the self-esteem to match
What a catch, what a catch

You'll never catch us
So just let me be
Said I'll be fine
Till the hospital or American Embassy
Miss Flack said I still want you back
Yeah, Miss Flack said I still want you back

I got troubled thoughts
And the self-esteem to match
What a catch, what a catch
And all I can think of
Is the way I'm the one
Who charmed the one
Who gave up on you
Who gave up on you

They say the captain
Goes down with the ship
So, when the world ends
Will God go down with it?
Miss Flack said I still want you back
Yeah, Miss Flack said I still want you back

I got troubled thoughts
And the self-esteem to match
What a catch, what a catch
And all I can think of
Is the way I'm the one
Who charmed the one
Who gave up on you
Who gave up on you

What a catch
What a catch
What a catch
What a catch

I will never end up like him
Behind my back, I already am
Keep a calendar
This way you will always know

I got troubled thoughts
And the self-esteem to match
What a catch, what a catch
And all I can think of
Is the way I'm the one
Who charmed the one
Who gave up on you
Who gave up on you

Where is your boy tonight?
I hope he is a gentleman
Maybe he won't find out what I know
You were the last good thing
We're going down, down in an earlier round
And sugar, we're goin' down swinging
Dance, dance, we're falling apart to halftime
Dance, dance, and these are the lives you'd love to lead
Dance, this is the way they'd love
If they knew how misery loved me
This ain't a scene, it's a goddamn arms race
This ain't a scene, it's a goddamn arms race
One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories
Even though they weren't so great
He tastes like you, only sweeter
Growing up, growing up

I got troubled thoughts
And the self-esteem to match
What a catch, what a catch."

-"What A Catch, Donnie" - Fall Out Boy

I wish I actually had something to say.

~Marina

Love Drunk.

Okay. We've got a few problems here.

First off, I'm never letting anyone borrow my flash drive, EVER again. My screenplay is gone. Which should annoy me more than it does, but retyping ten pages won't be too horrible.

Second of all, I have no idea what I'm gonna do about the boy.

Talking to people who know me, they sense that I'm discontent. They want me to be with someone who makes me happy.

Right now, I just feel cast-off, like a snakeskin. He says ignoring me is for my own good, but that's just bullshit. He acted the same way right before christmas. But this is just ridiculous.

Anyways. I was studying for the Ocean Bowl today with Tasha and Robin. When Tasha had to leave, Robin and I mobbed to Cornerstone and started talking. He asked me the very simple, but very difficult question: "why are you still with him?"
I figured the answer was obvious. Because I love him.
But all of a sudden, I realized that it isn't that simple.

Interests change, people change. At this point, I've got very few choices in terms of what I want to do with my life. I'd like to open up my horizons. Make some good decisions for myself and for others.

I have to cut the ties that are holding me down, pull off the blinkers... blinders... blindfold...
whatever.

Because right now, I'm missing out.

So.
Decision time.

Improve my health:
start riding my bike more, become pescetarian (or try it at least)

Improve my schooling:
Study more, do homework without procrastinating. I've only got a semester left after all.

Improve myself:
Hang out with good people, make the right choices, be a trustworthy person.
And figure out the whole boy issue.

Overall improvement? I hope I'll see it soon.

~marina

"I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hung over
I love you forever, forever is over
We used to kiss all night; now it's just a bar fight
So don’t call me crazy; say hello to goodbye."
- Boys Like Girls, "Love Drunk"

Reach For the Sky

So... just dragging myself through the next few weeks till Daniel comes back...

We've got to live like we only have today. I say that WAY too much, I know, but it's tragically true...

~marina


"When I was young I was invincible
I found myself not thinking twice
I never thought about no future
It's just a roll of the dice

But the day may come when you got something to lose
And just when you think you're done paying dues
You say to yourself "Dear, God What have I Done?"
And hope its not too late cause tomorrow may never come

Reach for the sky cause tomorrow may never come
Reach for the sky cause tomorrow may never come

Yesterday is history
And tomorrow is a mystery
But baby right now,
It's just about you and me

You can run you can hide
Just like Bonnie and Clyde
Reach for the sky
ain't never gonna die
And I thank the Lord for the love that I have found
And hold you tight cause tomorrow may never come

Reach for the sky cause tomorrow may never come
Reach for the sky cause tomorrow may never come

So if you please take this moment
Try if you can to make it last
Don't think about no future
And just forget about the past
And make it last

Reach for the sky cause tomorrow may never come
(reach for the sky I ain't never going down)
Reach for the sky cause tomorrow may never come
(reach for the sky I ain't never coming down)
Reach for the sky cause tomorrow may never come
(reach for the sky I ain't never going down)
Reach for the sky cause tomorrow may never come"

-"Reach For the Sky" - Social Distortion

The Tip of the Iceberg

Welcome back
Winter once again
And put on your warm fuzzy sweater
Cuz you'll feel much better when

The snowflakes fall
Gently to the ground
The temperature drops
And your shivers freeze all the rivers around
But I keep you warm

If speed's a pro
Inertia must be a con
Cuz the cold wind blows at precise rates
When I've got my ice skates on

If all the roads
Were paved with ice that wouldn't thaw or crack
I could skate from Maine to Nebraska
Then on to Alaska and back
Cuz you keep me warm

Peer over the edge
Can you see me?
Rivulets flow from your eyes
Paint runs from your mouth
Like a waterfall
And your lungs crystalize

I'll travel the sub-zero tundra
I'll brave glaciers and frozen lakes
And that's just the tip of the iceberg
I'll do whatever it takes
To change

Farewell powdery paradise
We'd rather skate on the finished ice
Fingers failed us before they froze
Frostbite bit down on all our toes

Snow drifts build up and enfold us
As we wait out this winter storm
So we snuggle close in the darkness
And keep each other so warm

"The Tip of the Iceberg" - Owl City

I'm so glad that things worked out.

This Christmas was the best one I've had for a long time.

Thanks to Daniel and his family for dragging me along to go shooting. That was pretty dankz.

And thanks especially to Daniel for making me realize that I'm a damned lucky girl.

~marina

Dear Vienna.

Have you ever been in a situation where everything falls apart and it's all you can do to try to keep yourself together?

Yeah, that's happening to me.

I'm at fault. I know that.

I can't decide if this sense of dread is paranoia or precognition.

I don't know if my body knows something my brain hasn't accepted yet. I'm trembling like a leaf and I don't want to eat because I'm sick to my stomach. I can't even cry anymore; my tears are gone.

One way or the other, I know I'll be okay. Time heals all wounds, large and small.

I just wish I knew what was going on.

~marina

"waving in the distance, waving
waving in the minutes, waning
waiting for this to make sense, waiting
stop waving back, I'm drowning."