supposedly!

Oh I'm not looking forward to psych at ALL. Ha, I really love that class.

So I've got to stay awake for another six hours or so, waiting for a phone call, hopefully with good news.

Good news of my own, school is going great. Open periods are my salvation. Today was sadly a bit boring. I walked around the school for two hours then came back to catch my bus. Tomorrow ought to be cool though. I think we're getting my senior picture for the yearbook after school.

Once again I have nothing much to say. I'm trying to stay focused on the current moment instead of looking too far ahead, because I've found that the more you plan, the more your plans fall through.

Guess I'll study some psych... Peace and love.

~marina

something

Beatles song... Can't help it, I watched Across The Universe today and it's stuck in my head.

So as usual I don't have much to say... Just felt like writing because I can.

Some of my friendships are drifting apart. Can't say I mind really... I do need some space away from the typical teenage high school drama. I need time to think about things in the near future and the long run. It's tough stuff to handle but I'm getting better at it.

Yeah, that's all I have to say... Maybe my phone will ring and I can try and clear up a bit of what I'm still thinking about. Always good to talk to my better half.

Peace and love.

~marina

amber

"Brainstorm
Take me away from the norm
I've got to tell you something
This phenomenon
I had to put it in a song
And it goes like
Whoa-oh
Amber is the color of your energy
Whoa-oh
Shades of gold displayed naturally"

I know we've got one hell of an amazing emotional bond. Frankly, this time two years ago, I never expected it to go farther than friends. But it did.

Babe, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me.

And what really irks me is that I see couples in the halls, holding hands, hugging, kissing (despite the no PDA rule), and those people really have no idea how good they've got it. It's sad, because odds are that those little relationships won't stand the test of time. My observation? Our generation is getting too material. That should be pretty obvious. We focus so much on our phones, our iPods and computers, our clothes, that we don't take time to work on having deep emotional relationships with our friends. In this case I'm excluding myself from the collective. I'm trying to get better, but even I have the occasional moment where I complain about something that really doesn't matter.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm impatient with this generation. I'm also looking forward to having the physical part of our relationship, because honestly we haven't spent that much time together since you joined the Army. I love the simple little gestures that mean so much. And hopefully, soon, we'll have that.

~marina {I tried to do handstands for you but every time I fell}

life support

The song from RENT... It's pretty good.

Daniel, my iPod is being supremely stupid, so I can't comment on your blog post. So I'm going to write a post in return.

I know you're having trouble right now, but trust me. We can get through this... You know that I'm always going to be here for you. Don't be afraid, it may be dark now, but it won't rain forever. Just stay strong. I love you.

~marina

rosemary

Song by the grateful dead.

I hate nights like this...

The kind of nights when I feel somewhat sad, for no real reason. The kind of nights that I wish I could just hold you in my arms and listen to your heartbeat and feel your breathing... To feel safe and warm, instead of feeling cold and very physically alone. Mentally and emotionally you're always with me...

I also hate that I have tons of clever things to say to you to make you smile, but then when you call I completely forget all of them. Well, I suppose I don't hate the fact, since just talking to you makes me forget basically everything and I love the blissful absentmindedness. It's an all-too-temporary escape from the stress around here.

I dearly hope that what you said actually happens, with as few problems as possible. It might sound selfish, but the truth is that I just want you back. Obviously your parents and friends do too... But it's slightly different for me. I love you so very much, Daniel.

~marina

new york city

So I really don't have much to say right now... But I felt like writing.

Sadly, that's all I can write. I'm kind of blank. Not sad or anything, just lacking a mood. I'll change the music I'm listening to, maybe that'll help.

It could also be because I've been laying in bed for the majority of the day, after sleeping for nearly twelve hours straight. Ha, I had a good day yesterday.

It's so cold in my room... I'm gonna need someone to cuddle with soon if the weather continues the way it's going. But odds are he'll be back sooner or later.

That's all for the moment. Peace.

~marina

miss murder

I used to really love this song. Now I just think it's okay.

So I guess behaving well and keeping up in classes does not draw unnecessary attention away from me. Seriously, I'm doing great in my classes and I've been a good little hippie but my mom still insists on drug testing me. I don't get it. I'm almost 18, so my life is becoming my own. I can handle the responsibility of my actions, but not if I'm not doing anything. Sad though it is, that's just my luck.

The bright side of this annoying scenario is that I'm trying to smooth out the rougher edges of my personality, and doing quite well. Robin's "about me" on facebook is kind of inspiring, I'll attach a screenshot of it...

Never mind, I can't do that... I'll just type it.

"For the first time in my life I have really started to grasp the idea of non-judgement in terms of myself, because that's all you can really relate to anything. Like, when you judge someone you're really just judging yourself and your own actions whether right or wrong. When you look at someone else with distaste or with disagreement and you're just feeding your own ego thinking that what you're doing is right, thinking that you're correct, when it's really not that way at all. I've been looking at my thoughts and my own actions and just noting them and when I take note of that they start to disappear."

Thank you, Robin. Maybe I can take that advice.

So for film studies I've been thinking about screenplay ideas, and the longer I think about it the more likely it seems that I'll adapt my story into the screenplay. A teenage girl struggling to gain her independence with her two best friends and boyfriend by her side. Sounds like it could work. Just have to make sure mom doesn't read it.

Strangely enough I've just been shuffling all the songs on my iPod and I forgot how many of these songs I like listening to. Random, yeah.

I'm out of things to say, so i'll call this good for now. It may be a while until I post something again... Till then, I wish you all peace, love, and happiness. Keep looking to the future, no matter how bad you feel. Keep positive. Positive vibes. They work wonders.

~marina {is, and will always be, a citizen of Nutopia, and misses her dear heart...}

terrapin station

Short post today, because I'm afraid that the wifi is going to kick me off soon... Pardon any spelling errors that I neglect to catch.

Got to play with human brains today, that was entertaining. My hands still smell like formaldehyde. I chose to only wear one glove. Ha. I'm a smart one.

Ashley might have tonsilitis, which really freakin sucks.

I'm waiting for an emal and not studying for german again...

Again, I'm smart.

I guess I'm just bored because my classes are so easy. I love it.

Peace, love, unity, respect.

~marina

love you till the end

So I wasn't exactly satisfied with my last post, and due to overwhelming loneliness, I have decided to write another about my favorite subject, my dear boyfriend.

Really I don't know how I'd be functioning right now if he wasn't helping me. He's my everything... The thought that wakes me in the morning, the reason I stay curled in my blankets for a while, the reason I almost always have a smile on my face. I can't help it, I giggle like a total girly girl when I talk about him... I'm really lucky. They say that every love gone wrong is just a step closer to your true love.

Incidentally, September 24th marks eight months that we've officially been dating, not that I've been counting or anything. Babe, I miss you so much... And I can't wait for you to come home.

I suppose I didn't have as much to say as I thought I did...

I had a late night last night, so I'm bound and determined to get to sleep early tonight. Gotta print out a screenplay and take a shower, then sleepytime.

~marina {is feeling somehow inside opalescent}

drunken lullabies.

Just kidding, I'm not singing drunken lullabies right now.

Main point! I got my senior picture proofs, and Daniel, you're gonna love them.

I mean wow. I'm really pretty.

Tomorrow's autumn dress day! So I have to remind people.

Not much else to say. September's flying by. I'm waiting on news regarding daniel's leave.

Classes are easy.

I had a great day and tomorrow may be just as awesome. We shall see.

Peace.

"you are my light in the dark
You are the beating in my heart
But that is not enough
You're my angel in the night."

~marina

angel in the night (part two)

Alrighty, my room is still the eternal disaster area but at least my laundry is done.

On to the post.

I really am grateful for a lot of things. Today, I'm appreciating my hands. Weird though it may sound. My hands really reflect who I am and what I do. A pianist and flautist's hands. Long fingers, relatively long nails. They're delicate in appearance unless you look closely. Then you notice scars, scratches, hangnails, and calluses. And the claddagh ring of course. It's gotten to the point where I have worn it so much that I feel incomplete without it, and I've worn it in the sun enough that the skin underneath is still pale. All in all, I love my hands, because they get me through so much.

Hmm. What else...?

I love my poor wounded knee. I don't know why, but the assortment of bruises, scratches, and scrapes amuses me. I'm still not convinced that my kneecap is fine, though, because it doesn't feel right. It was a hell of a fall though, so I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Upcoming this week... Cadaver brains in psych on Wednesday. I'm excited, aside from dreading the smell. Probably won't be as bad as dissection month in fisheries last year though.
First day of fall is Tuesday, and Sydney and I had a random idea that may actually work, we're going to try to get a bunch of girls to wear dresses and skirts that day. We were recruiting people for the majority of the evening, which is part of the reason why I'm still awake, though I'm flipping exhausted. There's other stuff happening on Tuesday but I'm going to wait till afterwards to post something about it.

Despite it almost being autumn, I'm still listening to summery songs. "Sweet Honey" and "Positive Vibes" for instance. I really love all the seasons but I don't want summer to have come and gone so quickly. Next summer should be pretty amazing though. All I have to do is drag myself through senior year then I can have a little fun.

It's getting late, and I have seven hours left to sleep, so until next time, peace.

~marina {is permanantly black and blue, permanantly blue for you.}

angel in the night (part one)

I've probably used that as a post title before but hey, the song is stuck in my head again.

Anyways. I got to talk to Daniel. Which always pulls me out of whatever rut I was in to begin with, and in this case I was in a pretty bad rut. Last week had really good moments and really bad ones. But it ended well.

I just can't get over how in love I am. Anyone can tell you, Daniel is by far my favorite topic to talk about. I glow, I shine, I shimmer and radiate with pure emotion. It's so beautiful, our lunacy. I really want him to be able to come home early. He's been away for far too long.

However, it's nearly the end of September. Things are moving forward faster than I thought they ever would. But when he comes back, I bet I'll just want time to stand still. For now, though, the pace is fine.

I started this post with the intent to write a lot, but my disaster of a room is such a distraction... I suppose I'll try to write part two of the post after I rediscover what color my floor is...

Until then, deuces.

~marina {ob-la-di, ob-la-da, life goes on.}

one of my turns.

I really have no idea what's going on with me. I mean obviously I've got a cold. But I feel like I'm losing my friendships, one by one. Kaylee routinely chooses to hang out with Sydney, Kevin is never around... I hang out with Ashley, Shay, and Jessica when I'm not all by myself. I don't really understand why... Maybe I'm retreating, maybe they are. I don't really know... I think I might just be growing up faster, mentally speaking. A lot of the jokes everyone else finds funny just seem stupid to me, and I find that my memory's working slightly faster, recalling everything from what I know about psych to german words that I taught myself ages ago. I can pay better attention in classes than I've ever been able to before, it's beyond weird. I don't know if it's good or bad, I guess we'll have to wait and see.

Homework time, I'll write more later.

~marina {feels like a lone wolf}

welcome to the machine.

I guess I don't have much to say, as usual.

Though I will take this opportunity to say this: never walk home from school barefoot. More specifically, don't be lazy and ride the bus on a day when you leave early.

I managed to let my phone die this afternoon, which wasn't annoying. What IS annoying is that little miss prissy scene queen Sydney has a class with Kevin, and I don't. And because I spend so much time with Kevin, I have very few close friends left. It's like fifth grade all over again, having no friends and being the smart kid in class... At least in German, where I can stand out for a little while. Band, oceanography, film studies, psych, and government are all classes where I can lay low and blend in, and generally just chill for the entirety of the class period.

What else happened today...? Oh, my friend Fancy overdosed on Skittles (no joke, she's allergic), I did my makeup halfway decently (neon eye shadows! Yay for violet, hot pink, and chartreuse!) and I also decided that the CleanStart system by Dermatologica is actually working pretty well. My face is finally clearing up! That's always good.

I guess I'm going to bike to school tomorrow, so I better get some sleep tonight. Later days.

~marina {we're just two lost souls swimmin in a fishbowl}

baby, you're a rich man.

This one's for mi amor, as usual.

So, weekend rundown.

Saturday. Went to Discovery Park with Becky and Ryan, and lo and behold, there's a fair going on. It's unheard of, at least at that park. Hot air balloon, marching band, the works. Well I stayed mostly out of the fair itself until Kevin finally decided to show up. Walked around a bit, went to linear park and played around in the creek, basically just enjoyed the day.

It was when I was walking Kevin back to his car that my day turned for the worse. I switched gears on my trusty bike, which somehow caused the chain to slip off the front gears, which caused my weight to shift suddenly and quite violently to my right. Not sure exactly if my bike landed on me or if I rolled, I guess what happened was that my right knee took most of the impact, then I rolled and ended up facing back the way I had come from. I thought I had broken my knee, but now I think it's a minor abrasion and it'll turn some lovely shades of blue, purple, and black. So it goes.

Today, Sunday. Nothing really substantial happened. I lazed around and iced my knee most of the day, one of my headphones shorted out, my mom yelled at me, I helped grandma with dinner, and now I'm listening to Basshunter and wishing Daniel would call. Okay, yeah, it's only been four or five days since I heard from him, but it's frustrating being without updates on how he's doing.

Anyways, school day tomorrow, and I decided that in spite of my knee, I'm going to wear my 5-inch Steve Madden heels to school, simply because I can. I dunno, I just really like these shoes :P

So I guess that's it for now. I'm out of substantial things to say. Seems to happen a lot, I blame school.

Time for a shower and then bed. Good night, world.

~marina

sweet honey

Excellent song. Slightly Stoopid is the artist. Look it up!

So if yesterday was the most boring day of my life, today was the complete opposite. Rode my bike to school... I love the freedom of biking, since I dislike school buses. Too many weirdos.

When I got to school, I went to film studies with Mr. Maselli, he's as cool as he was when I took one of his classes sophomore year. The class itself seems pretty straightforward.

On to band. Easy day, we pulled out the pep band music and played our loud obnoxious renditions of "Tear The Roof Off The Sucker", the Batman theme (complete with wes yelling "come, young squire, to the Batcave!"), "Children of Sanchez", "Can't Buy Me Love", "The Locomotion", and "Rock and Roll, Part Two (The Hey Song)", to name a few. Pep band game tomorrow, I can't go because of some dinner at Linfield. I figure it's a chance to wear my hippie dress with my killer heels... But I'm getting off-topic.

German 1, I swear I was the only one who understood anything Herr Gebauer was saying. It was annoyingly easy, with the question-answer format on the board. "wie heisst du?" "ich heisse Marina." Yet half the class kept telling Gebauer, "I don't get it, what are you asking, I'm so confused!" Morons. The lot of them. I think I'm the only senior in a class full of freshmen, and that's probably the case.

I sit in German and stare at the clock, until finally the annoying electronic bell goes off at 1:08. FREEDOM! So I book it out of the school, chat with Hernley for a minute, then take off down Evans street, headed for my second favorite place in Mac, my headphones blasting "Lysergic Bliss" at a comfortably earsplitting volume. The sun had come out shortly before I left, so I stuffed my jacket into my backpack when I unlocked my bike chain. Now I feel the sunlight on my skin as I'm biking, it reminds me that summer isn't over yet. I hang a right on 2nd street, left on Goucher (I think it was Goucher...) and pass through the first two sections of the linear park till I reach the creek. I chain my bike to a streetlight and step carefully across the creek to my haven.

It's honestly not much. Two little streams form a creek, and in the middle is a little spit of land, about three feet above the water's level. It's here I frequently stop to rest, eat lunch, and think about life. It's an inspiring little place, though.

So I pull out my lunch, still wrapped up in my sushi-patterned lunch bag that I made last year in clothing workshop. After I eat it (except for the banana I gave Kaylee earlier) I search around and manage to pick a handful of ripe blackberries. Perfect dessert.

By this time, I'm content with myself and I still have an hour till I have to walk Becky home. So I sit and listen to "Estimated Prophet" then decide I need something to drink. In no particular hurry, I make my way through the rest of the park, buy a Mountain Dew at Sweetmilks, then wander slowly back to the creek. I kill time by stopping to sit on a few benches and enjoying the view.

I go meet up with Becky when she gets out of school, and we head for home. When we reach Discovery park we stop, she gets a drink of water, while I chain up my bike and find somewhere cool to lay. Never mind the fact that it was a random patch of sidewalk. We're both sweating, tired, and we still have about three-quarters of a mile to go till we get home. I strike up a conversation with a random park ranger, who looks as exhausted as I feel. I mention the fountain, and wonder aloud why it isn't running on such a nice day. She promptly walks over and gets it running, and Becky and I hesitate for all of twenty seconds before putting our phones in our backpacks and running fully clothed into the icy water. I can't even begin to describe how fun it was. Cold water, warm sun, just sheer joy for a while. When we were both sufficiently soaked, we thank the park ranger and head for home.

So that was my day, I still reek of chlorine, sun, and Mountain Dew. Overall, one of the best days I've had all year. Hopefully all of my B days will be that enjoyable...

Anyhow, I have homework for most of my A days that I put off till now, so I should probably do that before I rinse all the chlorine off.

Wow, this is a longer blog post than I've written in a while... Rockin.

Oh, and I love you, Daniel. Don't have too much fun with those painkillers, and I hope to hear from you soon.

In closing, I'll leave you with the lyrics from my tied-for-current-favorite song.

"Wearing an olive drab
And feeling somehow inside opalescent
Wonder how I'm managing to smile oh
When I can't even pay my rent
Maybe it's because I finally found my little tulip
My Norge dear
Funny how in spite of all my woes
Life can appear rosy and clear
Rosy and clear

And I'm dizzy from her kiss
So vertiginous
Lost in lysergic bliss

Love the way you wear your curly hair
Sanguine and spiraling, tied in a bun
Love the way it flows about your face
Mercurially gilded by the sun
If we were a pair of jigsaw puzzle pieces
We would connect so perfectly
Creating a still photo of a scene
From the Phantom of Liberty

And I'm dizzy from her kiss
So vertiginous
Lost in lysergic bliss"

- "Lysergic Bliss" - of Montreal

~marina {is so in love...}

closing time

Said I'd post something else so I may as well live up to my word.

Problem is, I don't have anything to say, except that I really need a hug...

~marina

vegan in furs

So the first day of senior year... Described in one word.

Boredom.

Except for honors psych. Bunker is the very defintion of BAMF. And I'm sure Daniel will back me up on this one.

I may drop my precalculus class because I don't think I can stand to do much more math. I think my brain will explode if I stay there. I would rather use that period to study for my three other classes that day. I've got my hands full with my mentally exhausting A days.

Tomorrow ought to be nice though. Since I have second lunch and then open eighth, I have about two hours of free time. I'll probably bike to my favorite spot in Linear park and eat lunch there if the weather cooperates.

I've really gotta finish cleaning my room.. But I'll post something later for sure.

~marina

I've just seen a face

Rather, I haven't seen his face in person since February, but hopefully I will soon.

It's looking good, the chances anyways.

Well I may as well bid farewell to summer, since tomorrow is the first day of school. Time to take my place at the top of the food chain as a big bad senior. Time to take classes because I want to, not just because they're required. Time to bike to school instead of riding the bus. Time to start taking my life into my own hands. Accepting the responsibilities I'm given and taking opportunties when they arise.

Summer of '09: it's been fun, but it's time to move on. Next stop, summer of '10. Till then, I'll be in school mode, unless I'm with my friends or Daniel.

Goodbye, sunny days at Nature Park. Goodbye, blue sky. Goodbye, carefree days and mental vacations.

Hello, senior year.

"The windows open wide
Your innocence takes flight."
- "Tremble For My Beloved" - Collective Soul

~marina

so...

This is just a short post to inform people of how much of a genius I can be sometimes. I put all of my bedding in the washing machine at nine o'clock, just before I decided to crawl into bed. I don't have anything else to put on my bed.

Oh well, good night anyways.

~marina

loose lucy

Alright, I suppose I was overreacting a little to what happened. And for that I apologize, I didn't mean to take it so hard.

This is the world we live in, and injuries happen. I tell myself that when I get hurt, but if anyone else, especially someone I'm very close to, gets hurt, I totally flip.

I really have got to chill out and remember what I'm trying to live by.

Which also means getting rid of stalkers and creeper 23-year-old marines that insist on hitting on me. It's like, seriously, get a life. Go bug someone else for a change.

Anyhow, school supply shopping today, I think, so i'd better go find my schedule, wherever it's lurking today.

"Summertime done
Come and gone
My oh my."
-"US Blues" - Grateful Dead

~marina

Sandstorm

I guess all I can do for now is sit tight, keep my cool, and cross my fingers... Not much else I can do, really. Kill time with music. Space out in school. Let my brain take the occasional vacation, and wait for my phone to ring

~marina

Time

I can't even begin to describe how much I miss you. If I so much as try, I'm speechless and redundant...

"cause 'I love you's not enough, I'm lost for words."

I'm both dreading and welcoming the beginning of the new school year... I think that if I can get myself in the right state of mind, the rest of the time will fly by... But I've adopted your mantra. I don't know. But really, who does?

When you called me today I had this irrational fear that you would say that you didn't need me, didn't want me anymore... The news that it was an injury was bittersweet. People get hurt when they fight, I should have heard that in your voice. But the fact that while I was sleeping, so naive and innocent, lost in dreams, you were in pain... I just don't know why I was so scared today.

The truth is, you're my heart, and I don't want to ever lose you.

I really am lost as to what to say next.

I love you so much, and I just want you to come home... To see you again, to make up the time we haven't spent together. I want to be everything to you.

It's just so stressful... But I know it'll get better. It's just a matter of time.

"ticking away
The moments that make up a dull day
Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground
In your hometown
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way."
- "Time" - Pink Floyd

~marina

Disconnect the dots

So I'm finding myself pretty confused.

I don't want to hurt anyone, but I don't want to get hurt.

I just want to live my life... The way I want to. But I don't know what to do, what the first step in this long journey is.

I just need to wait and see what the future holds.

~marina

wraith pinned to the mist and other games

So if you're wondering why my picture is gone I have three words for you.

iPod touches suck.

So far I've lost an email, several myspace status changes, a picture, and my patience, all for the sake of having Internet. Guess I have to live with it.

~marina